Akatsuki MADNESS!
by Onyx Embers
Summary: Several random short stories about the akatsuki. No plotline, no timeline. I threw EVERYTHING out the window on this one. Rated T for chapter 8. Written by Sand. Finished/Abandoned
1. Intro

**These are a bunch of short stories about life at the Akatsuki Headquarters. Enjoy.**

**I don't own Naruto or the Akatsuki, but I do own these short stories**

**This will never be completed as, well, I will always be crazy enough to write them ^/_\^**


	2. Story 1: Kisame's Chocolate spread

**Kisame's Chocolate Spread**

In the Akatsuki's Kitchen

Kisame walked in, and squeal with excitement.

'YAY! After years of searching I finally managed to steal……a tub of my favorite chocolate spread. No one will take it from me!!!' he said, holding up the dark brown tub. Kisame set down the tub in the fridge and left the room.

A couple of minutes later………

Tobi came into the kitchen, Kisame was nowhere around. He opened the fridge and reached for the chocolate spread.

'Dun Dun…'

Tobi drew his hand back. Looked around and then reached for it again.

'Dun Dun……'

Tobi ignored this and grabbed the chocolate spread.

'Dun dun, dun dun, dun dun, Dundun dundun dundun……'

Tobi Quickly put the jar back and left the kitchen.

Kisame came back in and smirked evily.

A couple more minutes later………

Deidara came in.

'I feel like a sandwich, hm.'

Deidara got the bread and looked for something to put in it. He saw the chocolate spread. It said 'Kisame's' in a childish scrawl, but he ignored it.

He reached for it.

'Dun dun……'

He stopped. He carried on.

'Dun dun……'

He stopped again. Then he carried on. Again.

'Dundun dundun dundun dundun…..'

'ALL RIGHT KISAME!!! YOU CAN KEEP YOUR DAMM CHOCOLATE SPREAD!!!!!!! Hm.'

Deidara stormed out to call for pizza.

'Sweet.' Kisame smirked.

**He he…**

**Review! The button is there for a reason!**


	3. Story 2: Pein and Tobi's Talk

**Pein and Tobi's talk**

'You wanted me Leader-sama?' Tobi said, walking into Pein's small 'office'.

'Tobi Tobi Tobi, sit down.'

'There aren't any chairs.'

'Then stay standing up.'

'Okay.'

'We have a problem.'

'What?'

'Everyone's complaining about you……irritating them.'

'How?'

'Well, you:

Tried to make Kisame eat fish,

Flushed Itachi's Sasuke voodoo doll down the toilet before he could,

Put whipped cream in Deidara's hands while he was sleeping,

Put a picture of a lumberjack over Zetsu's picture of his mum,

Drew a mustache on Konan,

Gave Sasori a jar of hungry termites as a "gift",

Dyed Kakuzu's hair pink

And

Used Hidan's scythe to cut your toenails.'

Tobi was really quiet.

'Are you okay?'

'Ididntknowsushiwasfish**and**iwastryingtohelp**and**iwasjustgivinghimasnack**and**ithoughtitwasmyroom**and**ithoguhtshewouldlookgoodwithone**and**theyweresupposedtobeplastic**and**pinkbringsouthiseyes**and**ireallyneededtocutmytoenails!!!!' Tobi whined in one breath.

'Okay, you can go.'

'Thank you.'

Tobi skipped out singing "Zippade do da". Pein pulled a bottle of vodka from under his desk and swigged it.

'I hate my job.' He said as he swigged again.

**REVIEW!!! Or Tobi shall dye YOUR hair pink!!!**


	4. Story 3: Itachi and the computer

**Wow! A lot of reviews! And I can update as soon as I want 'cos I have 11 stories already written! I'm not putting them on straight away 'cos I might not have idea's when you all bug me for updates.**

**Itachi and the computer**

Itachi sat at the Akatsuki's new computer. They had searched for months, and had finally stolen enough money to pay for one. He was searching the internet. He found a chat room. He logged on.

Itachi=EyesBeyondEyes.

EyesBeyondEyes -Hello people.

Pizzov –Whatever

Sunshine –Don't worry about him, gorgeous.

EyesBeyondEyes –what???

Sunshine –You heard right, handsome

EyesBeyondEyes -. . . . . . . .

ToughDude – WHAT ARE YOU DOING SUNSHINE!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY GF!!!

Sunshine – I don't like shouty people, so I'll just go out with this guy.

EyesBeyondEyes – Listen I….

Sunshine –Oh sorry, how old are you?

EyesBeyondEyes -20

Sunshine – I'm 40, can we make it work?

EyesBeyondEyes –I'd need to see you first.

EyesBeyondEyes *whisper to ToughDude*-HELP ME!!!

*Sunshine sends picture to EyesBeyondEyes.*

Itachi stared at the screen, it was……awful…

'Argh!!!!! THE HORROR!!!!!!'

Itachi leapt back and threw the chair at the screen. It was destroyed.

**There is more electronic destruction in the next story! ^_^**


	5. Story 4: TV and Three

**T.V and three**

Kakuzu, Hidan and Zetsu were sitting on the sofa, arguing about what to watch.

'Gardening!' Zetsu yelled.

'CSI!!!!' Hidan said, waving his scythe.

'Funeral channel!' Kakuzu said waving his arms madly.

This carried on for about 20 minutes.

Sasori came into the room, picked up the remote, approached the TV…

…

…

…

And smashed it with one blow.

'Now there's nothing to fight about.'

He gave Kakuzu the remote, which was also in pieces, and left.

The others were sat there gawping at the broken TV when Pein came in an hour later.

'What the hell happened! Did Itachi find the porn channels!?!?'

**He he he…**

**NOW CLICK THE BUTTON!**


	6. Story 5: Akatsuki at the salon

**Akatsuki at the salon**

It was Itachi, Kisame, Tobi and Deidara's monthly trip to the salon. Each had a different treatment. Deidara was having his hair straightened and a manicure. Tobi was having a manicure and pedicure. Kisame was having a shampoo and his nails painted. And finally, Itachi was having his hair dyed, straightened and highlighted. He was also having a manicure.

About 2 hours later……

The guys were all leaving. Tobi showed them his nails.

'What do you think?'

'Nice, but the gems were a bit too much.' Kisame commented.

'The lady said they would bring out my eye's…'

'No-one can even see your eyes!!'

'Oh yeah……but the extra money will drive Pein nuts.'

'You can be really evil sometimes, hm.'

'No. Tobi's a good boy!!!'

All the others sweat-dropped.

**Well, we all love Tobi really ^/_\^**


	7. Story 6: It's just a scratch

**It's just a scratch**

It was just a regular Saturday at the Akatsuki Headquarters. Itachi was reading Monday's paper. The headline of which was,

'**KILLER' PRICES AT TESCO'S**

**Two ninja dead after a fight at Tesco's in Konoha**

**Hokage assumes Akatsuki guilty**

Kisame was tending to his sword, Tobi was watching Tom and Jerry, Hidan was inspecting his scythe, Kakuzu was checking his foot for maggots, Zetsu was caring for his pet(Venus fly trap), Pein was painting his nails, Deidara was out the room getting a snack, Konan was in her workshop and Sasori was out shopping. He came in; his uniform had a splash of blood on it (a BIG splash).

'You have no idea how much trouble I went through to get this stuff.'

'Oh, I have a rough idea.' Itachi said as he turned the page on the newspaper.

Sasori took off his cloak to be washed. It revealed he had a gaping hole through his shirt, and body.

Kisame tapped Itachi.

'I...Itachi……'

'How many times do I have to tell you, blood after a ninja battle is…HOLY SHIT!!!! '

The others turned to look at Sasori.

'What?'

Kakuzu, who had put his foot back on, pointed to the hole.

'Oh that? It's just a scratch.'

'I can see the door!!' Hidan said, panicking.

Deidara came in with his hand in a crisp bag. He looked at Sasori.

'At least he isn't in half this time, hm.'

'THIS TIME!!!' Zetsu was also freaked out.

Konan came in.

'Hi all.' She saw Sasori. 'I'll get the saw running. Come on.'

'SAW!!!!!!' Tobi screamed

Sasori trailed out the room with Konan. Pein was surprisingly calm through all this.

'Why aren't you bothered by this?'

'He'll be fine.'

'The dude had a freaking hole in him!!!'

'He'll live.'

'How can he survive that??'

'He's a puppet.'

'He's a puppet?????!!!'

'Yes.'

Sasori came back in. the hole filled with wood. He ran his hand over it.

'Hm mmm. Konan! It needs sanding!!!!'

He headed back out.

'I'm confused,' Tobi said. 'If he's a puppet, how come he's alive.'

'I don't know.'

Deidara spoke up.

'He was human, but he made a puppet that looked like him and put his heart in a container then in the puppet, hm.'

'How do you know that, mouthy?'

'He trusts me, hm.'

'So he can't be killed.'

'He can. If you stab him in the heart, hm.'

'Okay.'

Sasori came back in, and sat down next to Itachi.

'What?'

'Nothing.'

Itachi suddenly stuck a kunai in the side of Sasori's head.

'What was that for?'

'Just checking Deidara was telling the truth.'

'Okay.'

Sasori watched T.V, the kunai still in his head. Konan came back in.

'How's the new stomach?'

'Nice. Is it oak?'

'Nope. Pine.' Konan said, before leaving.

Sasori nodded in approval, and then went back to watching TV.

**But wait! There's more!**

**And don't forget about that there button! vvvvvvv**


	8. Story 7: The swearing Field

**The swearing Field**

**It has come to my attention that in the Shippuden episodes, Shikamaru kills Hidan and buries the remains. This is about 10 years later.**

The young couple walked through the field. The man suddenly went to his knee.

'Will you marry me?' he asked.

'Oh, I don't know…' she said, her eyes filling with tears.

*For fucks sake say yes!!!!* a voice came from nowhere.

'What was that?'

'I don't know…'

*It's fucking me!!! I'm buried under this fucking shitty field!!!*

'Is the field swearing?'

*No, It's the Fucking 19th Hokage!!! It's me; I'm under this fucking field!!!*

(Author note: there is no 19th Hokage; Naruto would be the 6th at this point)

'I think this field is haunted. Let's go.'

The young couple ran off.

*Crap-crappity-crap-crap* the voice said again.

**You know you love the button...so click it...**


	9. Story 8: Mailing Problems

**Mailing problems**

Pein flicked though the mail.

'I thought we sorted out the mailing problem.'

'We did.'

'Then why in the world do we keep getting World of Porn monthly, addressed to a guy called Neji Hyuga?'

'No idea.'

'I might want to add, its porn for women.' (By porn **for** women, I mean porn **of** men)

'That's messed up.'

Konan came into the room.

'For the last time Tobi, I am not going to eat your…Why is Pein looking at Ladies Porn?'

'Postal mistake.'

''I'll take those.'

Konan took the magazine off Pein. She received several odd looks.

'I might as well take advantage of idiocy; I do live surrounded by it.'

'HEY!'

'I resent that! Yeah.'

'Tobi is only a good boy!'

'Shut the fuck up Tobi.'

'Money, in jar now Hidan.'

*clang*

'Like I said idiocy.'

Meanwhile, in Konoha…

'Uncle, I thought we fixed the postal mistake!'

'We did Neji.'

'Then why the hell do I keep getting animal porn addressed to a Tobi?'

'No idea Neji, no idea.'

'Maybe I could go give it to Naruto, just for a laugh.'

'Okay Neji. Have fun.'

'Or maybe I could turn gay.' Neji said, assuming his dad wasn't listening.

'I thought you already were?'

'ARGH!'

**Buttons are made to be clicked, pushed, or done up. This one is for clicking, so CLICK IT!**


	10. Story 9: It's just a scratch 2

**It's just a scratch 2**

It was yet another Saturday, and Itachi was yet again reading Monday's paper. The headline read:

**SECOND ATTACK ON KONOHA TESCO'S**

**Hokage thinks of installing cameras**

**Full story, page 5**

There was a sound of someone fiddling with keys.

'Konan! Fire up the saw!' Itachi shouted as he finished reading the article.

'Okay!!'

Sasori came in, his arm tucked under the other, and him having to use his detached leg as a crutch. And to top it all off, he had an even bigger hole in his chest.

'Why do I have to go shopping?'

'Because no-one else will.'

Sasori sighed as he dropped the bags and made his way over to the workshop. He stopped by Itachi.

'They've spelt your name wrong.'

'Huh?'

'Look, 'Hokage thinks this to be more of the Akatsuki, an organisation which includes Konoha's very own Itochey Uchiha.' How sad is that!' Sasori said before limping off. Itachi screwed up the paper and threw it at Tobi's head. Konan's cry could be heard from the workshop.

'SASORI!!!!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INTO ANY MORE NINJA FIGHTS FOR A WEEK!!!! AND YOU DIDN'T LISTEN!!!!' Both her and Sasori came out. Sasori had his arm and leg back in, but still had the hole.

'Sasori is not going to go shopping for 5 months! Carpenters orders.' She left into her workshop again. Sasori stayed outside. Konan already had the measurements.

'So, who's going to go shopping?' Itachi asked.

'Hmm.' Pein contemplated.

'How about Hidan? He can't die?' Kisame suggested.

'Okay, Hidan can.'

'Why the fucking hell do I have to fucking do the crappy shopping?'

Kakuzu held out a jar. Hidan put in 3 yen. Kakuzu looked in the jar.

'You do realise if you carry on at this rate I could buy all of the villages.'

Itochey looked up.

'You'll also need a bigger jar.'

He went back to his newspaper.

From that day on, Hidan had to do the shopping.


	11. Story 10: WC or C

**Whipped cream, or chocolate sauce?**

It was a relatively normal day at Akatsuki headquarters. Pein was sitting in the main room, and Itachi was reading the paper. The same one he was reading in 'it's just a scratch 2' Konan came into the room wearing her bikini, as it was boiling hot. Pein was just wearing underwear yet Itachi was fully clothed.

'Pein.'

Pein looked up.

'Whipped cream, or chocolate sauce?'

Itachi perked up.

WT…

'Umm, both.'

'Okay.'

Itachi thought some thoughts I do not have the decency to write.

…

**Aw, who am I kidding!**

OMG, Pein and Konan, whipped cream, chocolate sauce?

A mental image formed.

**I will not write that, as it is mentally scarring. But feel free to think on it for a while.**

…

**I know you hate me.**

Kohnan came back in.

'Nuts Pein?'

'Yeah, it's been a long time since I've had nuts.'

Argh! My mind, it's melting!!!!

Just as Itachi was about to go mental and possibly have an orgasm at the same time, Konan came back in.

'Here you go Pein, one ice cream sundae.'

'Aw, thank you so much!'

'Yeah, just don't ask me again.'

Itachi's eye began to twitch.

**REVIEW!!!!!!**


	12. Story 11: And people say I'm

**And people say I'm**

Itachi finished reading his paper. (Different one this time)

'Hm, I never knew that.'

'Knew what?' Asked Pein, who was very, very bored,

'In a recent vote…

**Tobi-**Craziest Akatsuki member

**Deidara- **Most likely to be dreamed about having wild hot sex with author.

**Sasori-**Hottest Akatsuki member

**Sasuke-**Most likely to slit wrists.

**Itachi-**Most likely to slit others wrists.

**Hidan-**Most likely to be pummelled and buried under a field.

**Neji-**Most likely to be lying about gender

**Kisame-**Most likely to have to face a guy wearing green spandex.

**Naruto-**Most likely to be in a ramen induced coma.

**Hinata-**Most likely to die of shyness.

**Kakuzu-**Most likely to, be dead.

**Konan and Pein- **most likely to have sex but not be married.

, honestly, newspapers are nuts!'

'I know! But I bet Deidara is thrilled! Can I read it now?'

Itachi handed over the paper, pondering on what Deidara would think if he read it…

**Well, that's it for a while, my shipment of sugar has run out.**


	13. Story 12: Maybe it runs in the family

**Maybe it runs in the family**

The Akatsuki were sat in their main room, Tobi was, again, watching TV, and Itachi was reading a book (Voodoo for Criminals). When there was a slight knock at the door.

"I'll get it." Deidara said, walking to the door. He opened it to a little girl with blonde-ish hair.

"May I help you, hm?" he asked.

"Skip the crap and let me the fuck in."

"...anyone knows why there's a little girl swearing at me, hm."

"How tall is she?"

Deidara looked at her.

"Pretty short, hm."  
"I'll give you short, you bastard."

The girl kicked Deidara in the...well, y'know, sending him to the ground. The girl skipped past him, and proceeded to give Hidan a hug.

"Hidan! Mum wants' to know why you haven't brought back the goddamm milk yet."

"Lucy. I left, ages ago."  
"Oh, yeah. I forgot. See ya!" the girl skipped back to the door, closing it. Deidara stood uneasily.

"That's your sister, hm?"  
"Yeah."  
"There's gotta be something in the water at your house, hm"

"You mean the swearing?"  
"Yeah, hm."

"I dunno either. Maybe it runs in the family."

**Okay, this was a VERY random chapter. But still review! Please!**


	14. Story 13: Fun, My 1st request

**Fun**

Kisame towered over his helpless victims.

"You will feel the wrath of Samehada!!!!!!"

Kisame swung wildly, shedding his victims to pieces.

A few minutes later.

Zetsu walked out to see Kisame collapsed on the floor, dazed.

"**Kisame you idiot! How many times have I told you? Never use Samehada to weed the damm garden!!!!!!"**

"_But it was a good effort...even if he did just...shred the entire garden."_

**Okay, this was a mini one, as a sort of request by ****Ami Sadeuce.**

**If any of you have requests, great, because I'm out of idea's and sugar.**


	15. Story 14: Lights, 2nd Request

**Okay, this is another request, for No1-on. Why am I only getting requests from anonymous people???**

It was the middle of the night, and the Akatsuki's power had gone off, they had all somehow gathered in their lounge. We join them now...

"What the hell happened?"  
"The Lights went out."  
"Did leader-sama forget to pay the bills again?"  
"No Tobi I didn't."  
"Ah!"

"What Konan?"  
"Someone's pinching my ass!"  
"Leader-sama!"

"It's not me! All of me is over here!!" Pein waved his arms madly. Not that anyone could see.

"Then whose hand is this!" Konan said, presumably grabbing the wrist of said hand.

"WOAH! That's your ass! I thought Hidan's ass was tighter than usual..."  
"Kakuzu! Why were you trying to feel Hidan's ass!?"

"I was going for his wallet..."

"Where are we, hm?"

"I thought this was the kitchen." Kisame yelled.  
"I thought we were in my bedroom!" Itachi cried.

"I thought this was leader-sama's office!" Zetsu yelled.

"Me too!" Konan and all the Peins yelled in unison.

"I just followed Hidan." Kakuzu mused.

"I thought this was the Shower!" Tobi yelled.

Everyone went silent.

"How did you think this was the shower?" Hidan said, finally breaking the silence.

"Well, I walked in, reached, and there was a knob, so I thought it was the shower."  
"That was my puppets head..." Sasori's voice came from high in the room.

"What? Sasori? Where are you?"  
"On the ceiling. When Tobi came in he freaked the shit out of me."  
"Then why don't you get down."

"I'm scared..."

Another silence came.

"Sooooo...anyone gonna actually try the light switch?" Kakuzu said.

"That's a thought."  
There was some fumbling, then a thud.

"OW! What the hell did I just trip over!?"  
"Samehada! How could you!!!"

"It's a sword Kisame!"  
"He's just as important as you guys..." Kisame moaned.

There was some more fumbling, then a click.

"nothing, hm."  
"Maybe I should move away from the light."  
"Drop into my arms Sasori-sama!" Tobi yelled.

*THUD*

As the light came on, it was revealed that Sasori had fallen.

"Sasori-sama, why did you fall behind me?"  
"I don't know Tobi...I honestly don't know..."

**Yay! 2****nd**** request!**

**Seriously guys, give me requests! See how good they turn out!**

**Click the button to request!! vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv**


	16. Just a little note

**So many of you have reviewed, with so many suggestions it's getting hard to keep track!**

**A big thanks to everyone who's reviewed, I hope you'll keep on hitting the button.**

**Also, until I say, please no more requests! I love them, but I'm going absolutely mental trying to fit them all into my time.**

**I'll post LOTS of Akatsuki madness over the summer holidays (which are probably longer for me) so sit tight, and maybe re-read your fave chapter, or read some of the other Fanfiction me and Onyx have done!**

**I wish you all much Craziness until next chapter**

**-Sand**


	17. Story 15: FIGHT!, another request

**Well, I freaked out a bit recently, as when trying to access my files, it wouldn't work. Luckily, if i just upload them here, they do work. So please thank whichever god, or satan, you worship, that Akatsuki Madness has NOT vanished off my computor forever.**

**Yet another request, for Akatoro Mitsaiya.**

AKATSUKI 00:00am

"Are you sure we won't get in trouble for this?"

"No, hm"

Sunegakure 00:00am

"Hurry! He'll wake up soon!"

"It's midnight!"

"Oh, right, sorry...hehe..."

Random area of the dessert 10:00am

"KANKURO!!"  
"SASORI!!!"

The two ninja glared at each other.

"DID YOU DO THIS!?" They yelled at the same time, holding up one hand, with finger puppet versions of their puppets.

"ME!? NO! WY'D YOU DO IT! I DIDN'T!" They yelled again, before running towards each other.

Random area of the dessert 11:00pm

Tobi and Deidara approached to an unusual sight. Kankuro and Sasori were lying down, looking very bored, with their hands out towards each other. The finger puppets on their fingers were waving manically, occasionally hitting each other.

"Now, Tobi, should we take Sasori home, or leave him here for a few more days, hm?"

Tobi stroked the bottom of his mask thoughtfully.

"Leave him here."

"It's settled then. Lets go home, hm."

**He he he...fun!**

**If anyone can guess who replaced Kankuro's, you get a request which shall be done above everyone else's (the list is long, trust me)**


	18. Story 16: YUM, another request

**Well, Good news, my Fanfics are safe and sound, so ere's more crazyness!**

**Here is a request for a much appreciated review, TobiGB. Me and Onyx see you as, sort of a friend ^_^**

The Akatsuki were sat in the lounge, watching TV, apart from Tobi. Then Tobi walked past, his mask caked in flour, and he was wearing a chefs hat.

"Tobi, what are you doing?" Kisame asked, turning to face him.

"Nothing..." Tobi said, before dashing out into the kitchen again.

*LATER...*

Tobi exited the kitchen, with a mysterious brown Slab.

"Hey, Tobi, what are those, hm?"  
"Well, Deidara-sama, I decided to give a try at cooking brownies!!!"

At this, the Akatsuki rushed forward, each grabbing one and munching on it.

"Except we were out of chocolate, so I used that jar of stuff that was in the fridge!"

Zetsu's dark side suddenly went pale.

"_What's wrong?"_

"**I Put that jar in there...it was filled with..."**

He whispered the last part.

Suddenly, as if by a switch, the white half turned green, and Zetsu bolted out the room. Almost as if he had started a chain reaction, almost everyone else followed. Only three remained, Sasori, who hadn't taken one, Tobi, who also hadn't eaten one, and Kisame.

"So, what IS in the brownies?" Kisame asked.

"Mud."

"Oh."

"And Bugs!"

Kisame looked at the brownie, shrugged, and ate the rest.

**Ah, that was fun. And I still have 4 more requests/ideas!**


	19. Story 17: Ring, yup, another request

**Here's a request for Oxygen Deprived, seen as they did submit 3 reviews in a row ^_^**

_Akatsuki HQ..._

*ring, ring, ring, ring*

*click*

"Hello, hm?"

#Listen Tsunade, I know you're there, pay back the damm money you owe me.#

"There's no Tsunade here, hm."

#What? Aw...did I dial the two instead of the three? Dammit! I-#

*click*

_Later..._

*ring, ring, ring, ring*

*click*

"Hello!"

#Sasuke-kuuuuun! You finally picked up! I've been calling you for three days straight!"

"I'm sorry, no-one called Sasuke..."

"SASUKE?! WHERE!!!"

"No Itachi!!"

*Thud*

#Huh? What? Oh, wrong number, sorry, bye!#

*click*

_Even Later..._

"Hey, who unplugged the phone? Oh, guess I'll just plug it back in!"

_#You have 567, new messages#_

#Jiriya! You are hereby banned from all bath houses#

#N-Naruto...do y-you w-want to go out with m-me?#

#Choji! We we're joking! You aren't anorexic!#

#Bella, I have your mother, meet me at you old Ballet studio# **(WTF???)**

#GIVE ME YOUR MONEY! Oh, wait, it's a payphone....hehe...oops...#

#Baby, I cleaned the toilet, I'm a changed man....#

#Fang! We give up! Move so we can fricking see you!!!# **(I am seeing a pattern here...)**

#Gods sake guys, answer your phone!!#

#Do you need your windows replaced? Call 0800 946 369!#

#Snape, Snape, Severus Snape...# **(Yes...it's getting clearer...)**

#C'mon...just once...please...#

#They bothered me, I bothered back, it was self defence.#

#No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face.# **(Yes...these are all...)**

#for the last time, I didn't slap you! I high-fived your face!#

#Emily, seeing as you'll be home for the next few days, can you keep an eye on granny?#

#Look, with Jace, you really don't get to choose your insulting nickname#

#I spotted some Inhumans near here.#

#Have you checked? I could kick him if you want.# **(Oh! Book/Film/game quotes!)**

#That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay sonic the hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang?

"That's it!"

*unplugs phone*

"Leader sama! If you don't change our number soon I'm going to kill you!"

**Yes, near the end there I was getting a little unimaginative, so I just found book/film/game quotes. They are from (In no particular order)**

**City of Ashes, (That's the last two, and others before that.)  
The Twilight Saga,  
the Kissing Club,  
Extras,  
Sims 2 (That would be the toilet one, you get that if you pick up the phone sometimes)  
AND  
Potter Puppet Pals.**

**I also took characters from books, and thought about what messages they'd leave. That's:**

**Maximum Ride,  
And  
Naruto**

So, I do not own any of the above. Except maybe copies of the book/film/game.


	20. Another Note

**Just an awesome little note.**

**I am on Deviant Art, and for a laugh, I have decided to draw a few Chapters from here, and submit them.**

**If anyone would like a link, let me know, and I will gladly set one up on my profile.**

**Also, I note I said the amount of Akatsuki Madness chapters may INCREASE over summer, but I guess I was wrong.**

**Rest assured I haven't forgot you guys, I'm just suffering a MAJOR writers block, mostly due to my lack of dreaming due to late nights.**

**I'm really sorry, I'm trying as hard as I can.**

**-Sand ^_^**


	21. Story 18: Confessions

**Well...finally trying again...Yeah, i was struggling...**

The Akatsuki sat in the lounge, none of them doing anything in particular, when Sasori spoke.

"Hey...why don't we play confessions?"

"What's that?"

"A game where we take turns confessing things."

"What's the point of it, hmm?"

"Well, how about we write them down, put them in a hat, pull them out, and try and guess?"

"Good idea!"

_A short time of writing and hat finding later..._

"Okay, everyone read for the first one?"

Everyone nodded. Sasori reached into the hat.

"_I was almost circumcised by my first pet dog."_

Everyone was silent, looking at each other, when eventually.

"Okay! Fine! That's mine!!" Hidan snatched the piece of paper, his face red.

"Poochie...why did you betray me..." he said quietly.

"Okaaaay...next one!" Sasori said, plunging his hand in the hat.

"_I once had a wet dream about Deidara."_

Instantly, attention was over on Tobi.

"Wasn't me! Tobi is a good boy!"

Everyone looked around again, to see Itachi bright red.

"ITACHI!!"

"I-It was just after you joined! I don't even know why!"

"That's sick!"

"What happened in it?"

"He was just stood there, staring at me..."

"Then what?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!"

"Yeah, next one, Sasori, hm."

"Okay."

"_I sneak into Itachi's room and smell his pillow."_

"What the hell!" Itachi yelled. "WHO'S IS THIS!!!?"

Kisame shyly raised a hand.

"WHAT?!"

"It smells nice...you're shampoo is exotic..."

Sasori quickly pulled out the next paper before Itachi made Kisame into Sushi.

"_I Hide pancakes in my pants."_

Everyone looked at Tobi again; he had a pancake in his hand.

"Do you have a better idea on where to keep them?"

". . ."

"I got this one, Sasori!" Kakuzu said, pulling one out.

"_My Parents treated me like a girl until I was 6"_

Everyone looked about.

"Who is this?"

Deidara raised his hand.

"Dresses and everything."

Everyone rolled around in laughter. Kakuzu pulled out another piece of paper.

"_I watch Chick flicks and wish I could cry at them."_

Everyone looked at Sasori.

"They're nice..." he defended, and plucked out a piece of paper.

"_I have piercings in places people have never seen."_

Instantly, everyone looked at Pein, who already had his hands raised in surrender.

"Not me, I swear."

"Konan?"

"Yeah right!"

"Zetsu?"

"**Nope"**

"_Nope."_

Everyone looked at Kakuzu, who was looking up.

"Kakuzu?"

"Yes, okay, I have a ring through my..."

"Don't wanna know!!!" Hidan yelled.

"Next!" Deidara yelled, and grabbed a paper.

"_I play with myself under my cloak."_

Everyone's eyes widened, then heard Zetsu whisper.

"_**One two three four, I declare a thumb war..."**_

Everyone looked at Zetsu, who was staring intently under his cloak.

"Oh thank Jashin..." Hidan murmured.

"Next one!" Tobi yelled, and plunged his hand into the hat. He pulled out one.

"_I faked a or..."_

"THAT'S ENOUGH!!!" Konan yelled, snatching the two sheets of paper left and stuffing them into her mouth.

**I guess we'll never know what Pein and Konan's Confessions are...**

**Oh well!**

**And for anyone wondering, i have put a link to my DevianArt page on my profile ^_^**


	22. IMPORTANT NOTICE! Contest!

Hey everyone, I realise I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I'd let you know I'm still alive and kicking.

I've run low on idea's (GCSE's, they are very draining)

So I've decided to run a small contest for my next story.

Basically, you'll get to BE in the next story!!!!!! I'm running a weird exposure of my little antics of publishing the Akatsuki's adventures, and I need someone to spark it all off.

The first one to review the answer to the question wins.

!!!THE QUESTION!!!!

Who is my most favourite Living Akatsuki member (from most recent Naruto manga volume) ???


	23. Contest Results!

Contest results!!

Congrats to Bri Nara!

The only one to guess right, my favourite living Akatsuki member is indeed Zetsu!

I am actually not sure if he's died or not, all I know is that black part of him is still kicking around somewhere, so he's living enough for me!

For anyone who put Tobi/Madara, nice guess, no cigar.

For the few of you that put sasuke *slap* for shame! I hate sasuke! (This is sand, Onyx loves sasuke)

I'll post that new story in at least under a months time.

Thanks for guessing!!!


	24. Story 19: Discovered, Part 1

**I do not own the Akatsuki, I do however own myself, and I guess I partly own Bri Nara, for her form in this story!**

**Just a forewarning, this story will be in at least 2 parts, and it may be classed as the last Akatsuki Madness story, depending on my mood when I write the second bit.**

**Pray to whatever god/demon/ninja monkey you believe in that I'm hyper, happy, or in love.**

**Discovered!**

Tobi and Deidara walked down the street, hats on, cloaks done up, acting as bad-ass as they could.

"Deidara-sempai?"  
"Yes Tobi, hm?"  
"Is that girl following us?"

Deidara glanced behind them to see a girl quickly dash behind a shop. The girl had brown hair in a ponytail, but other than that Deidara saw nothing.

"I'm sure you're just imagining it, hm"  
Okay, but she's stalking along the walls quite weirdly, sempai."

Deidara turned round suddenly and without warning, to see the girl only a few feet from them. Her eyes were as brown as her hair, and she appeared to be dressed in ninja clothing, despite having no headband.

"What, hm." He asked as the girl beamed up at him. He couldn't help but be reminded of Tobi as he looked at her.

"Are you Deidara?"

"Yes, hm."

"So he's Tobi!"

Tobi squealed with delight.

"She knows my name sempai!!"

"Can you sign this?" the girl asked, thrusting a book towards them, it was open at a double-spread page.

"Will you leave afterwards, hm?"

"Yes."

"Okay then."

****

Back at the Akatsuki hideout, Deidara was telling Hidan about what had happened.

"Wait, little bitch, brown eyes and hair, so perky you wanted to strangle her with a rabbit?"

"Yes! Well, not the 'with a rabbit part', but yes, hm!"

"She cornered me and Kakuzu a few days ago!"

"Really, hm?"

"Yeah!"

Kisame, who had been walking past, overheard.

"Are you talking about Bri?"

"Bri?"

"It's her name, she asked me to sign it 'To Bri'"

"Weird."

"We have to find this girl."

"Indeed, hm"

LATER THAT WEEK......

Deidara, Tobi, Sasori, Zetsu, Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame and Itachi were all walking around, looking for this 'Bri' girl when a young boy walked up to them.

"Excuse me, are you the Akatsuki?"

"Err, yes, yes we are." Sasori replied.

"Awesome! Can I get a picture with you guys? You are so funny!"

"uh, sure...."

"Darrell Maines, TobiGB to my friends." He laughed. Tobi squeaked nervously.

"Sure!"

After about half an hour of walking around the small town, the Akatsuki had been asked for picture or autographs by:

Several Girls by the name of Kealsey, Sammy and AmaiRikan

And one boy called Jordan. The others wouldn't give real names, and instead gave nicknames, these included:

Mystery Hunter, WhiteRabbit and Heavenly Wolfy Demon (Who ended up getting hit upside the head by Itachi by saying something about Sasuke)

"This is getting ridiculous. Where'd that kid Darrell go, he seemed sane...." Itachi murmured to himself.

As if summoned by magic, Darrell happened to walk by on the next street.

"Hey guys!" he waved cheerily.

"Darrell, do you know someone called Bri?" Kisame asked.

"Bri? Sure, she lives just down there, I wouldn't bug her though, it's her Fanfic hour."

"**Fanfic? What the f-"**

"_Thanks Darrell, we'll go see her anyway!" _

IN BRI'S HOUSE.....

*knock knock*

"Coming coming!"

Bri opened the door to see the Akatsuki there.

"Oh, Hi! Why are you here?"

"We need to ask you something, hm."

"What?"

Kakuzu leant in towards the girl.

"How the frick do you know so much about us? You're not a ninja! You're just a little girl?!"

"Oh, it's all thanks to Sand!"

"Who?"

"It's this Fanfic writer, c'mon, I'll show you her stories about you guys."

Bri lead the Akatsuki into her study, where OnyxSand's profile had already been brought up on the screen.

"She's done this story all about you guys, called Akatsuki Madness!"

She clicked on the story, the Akastuki watched as she showed them each story in turn.

"WHAT"

"THE"

"FRICK!?!?"

"THIS GIRL IS SEEING INTO OUR LIVES! HOW IS SHE DOING IT?!??!?!"

"WE HAVE TO FIND HER! COME ON GUYS!!!!"

And with that the Akatsuki went back to their base, retrived Pein and Konan (after showing them the stories) and went off to hunt,

The Mysterious Stalker: Sand!

**As you can see, that contest was really only to see who would get the starring role, and the Akatsuki in their house.**

**And before anyone says how they were only mentioned whereas TobiGB, who did not win, got to speak, there's a simple answer to that.**

**He's a friend, and it's my story, I can do whatever the hell I want with it!!!**

**Stay tuned for part 2 of : Discovered!**


	25. Discovered, Part 2

**I don't own Naruto, yadayadayada**

**Discovered: Part 2**

The Akatsuki marched down the dark street. It was a fairly modern street. It had taken them a solid week to track down this girl known as 'Sand'.

Inside the house....

Zoe pushed away her pillow in her sleep, murmuring quietly to herself.  
"I'm staying with Quirrell now...."

She was awoken by the doorbell. She sat up. It was 1am. No-one in the house had been woken, they were out cold. Being half asleep, she was still partly in her dream.

"Quirrell! Grab your wand, someone's at the door!" she said loudly. She then realised she was awake. She got out of bed and headed to the door.

"You'd better have a dammed good reason for waking me, Quirrell was just making us dinner." She said sourly to the group of people at her door. They looked thoroughly confused.

"You're coming with us, Sand, hm!" a voice said. A hand grabbed her and pulled her out the door.

**I know it's short, I decided three parts now so NYA: P**

**Just in case you're as confused are as the Akatsuki at my comments about Quirrell, I am currently having a series of dreams where Voldemort and Quirrell move in next door, and I go to live with them (thinking it's just Quirrell though, I haven't seen Voldemort yet XD)**

**Yes, I am a Harry Potter fan. Anyway, Stay tuned for the next part!**


	26. Discovered, Part 3

**I have a sudden surge on how to finish this, so here goes! (Oh, and It is now confirmed by the latest manga chapter, Zetsu is alive and well!)  
Cheers to Mr Yakishi—Kabuto (a deviantArt artist) for your latest drawing inspired this one!  
(Written from Sands POV)**

***WARNING, IF YOU DO NOT READ THE MANGA ONLINE AND ARE NOT UP TO CHAPTER 487, THIS MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!!***

I sat in the room, disoriented. I was now fully awake, and knew what had happened.

I had been taken hostage by the Akatsuki. I was tied up in a room, waiting questioning. I wondered who'd do it. Not Tobi, the others believe he is too soft. Itachi would go straight to torture, so they may consider him...who...

I was in the middle of these thoughts when the door slid open. A hooded figure stepped in.

"So, you've been spying on Akatsuki?" he asked, I knew that voice anywhere.

"Yes. And you are certainly one to talk, Kabuto."

Kabuto raised his head suddenly, the hood fell back. I gasped. Kabuto's skin was partly scaly and he bared a lot of resemblance to Orochimaru **(for a drawing, see end page of chapter 487)**. He was a lot more handsome in person than I could ever imagine.

"How did you know it was me?!" he said, his voice taking a harder tone. I didn't like it, but he still drew me in.

"You, you have a very recognisable voice, Kabuto-kun." I mentally swore and glanced downwards. Kun? Why did I say that!?

"Thank you." I heard him sit down on the chair opposite me. "You seem to know a lot about me, can I know something about you?"

I raised my head. "Okay..."

"What's your name? I'm fairly sure your parents would not have called you Sand."

"My name is Zoe, may I ask, Kabuto-Kun," I felt easier about using 'kun' now, seeing as he didn't seem to mind "How you joined the Akatsuki again without me noticing?"

Kabuto smiled. My heart practically melted. He stood and circled me.  
"Who says I came back to the Akatsuki?" he whispered. I daren't move. Was he suggesting he broke in here, knocking out or (god forbid) killing the Akatsuki just to interrogate a young girl?

"Kabuto-Kun, you're scaring me." I stated clearly, no wavering in my voice. Kabuto's presence in the room seemed to change.

"Sorry, I seem to be very intimidating in my current state." He said, walking slightly faster over to the seat and sitting down.

"State?" I said, confused. He looked at me oddly, I explained "Sorry, the way you said it made it seem like it was negative, I don't see anything wrong with you. You look fine, Kabuto-kun."

Kabuto smiled, and stood. He walked to the door, but didn't open it.

"How are you spying on the Akatsuki then?" he asked. Was that all they wanted to know?

"Camera's and Microphones. Hidden everywhere."

"How did you get them in?"

"Itachi-sempai cannot see well, and I happen to be able to do a very good impersonation of people's voices, including Pein-sempai." Kabuto turned to looked at me.

"You seem to call the entire Akatsuki sempai, except for me, why is that?"

I remained silent.

"Understandable, you have told too much. I'll be back soon, Zoe-chan."

And with that, Kabuto-Kun vanished out the door.

**...screw it, I'm torturing you. STAY TUNED FOR PART 4!!**


	27. Discovered, Part 4

**Aren't I nice, giving you a four chapter story! (Don't own the Akatsuki, blah)**

**Seeing as this is the last part, if any of you guys have suggestions please let me know. I am very creative but lack ideas on this particular Fanfic.**

***This sentence was typed 06/05/10* just to give you an idea of how fast I'm typing these ^/-\^**

I spat blood onto the floor and staggered to my feet again. This was not going well.

"Giving up, little girl?"

"Yeah right..." I said, and leapt forward for another blow. But my opponent was too fast, he'd struck me in the head, and I hit the ground.

Maybe I was too soft for the Akatsuki. Maybe I shouldn't of joined, and let them just take away my camera's. I'd rather be an unpopular fan fiction writer, than a girl, dead on the floor. The thought just occurred to me, though, that the man should have struck by now. I looked about, unable to sit up. Suddenly, the man's lifeless head tumbled next to my face. I stayed still. Two hands slid softly under me, and pulled me up. Kabuto-kun.

"You should really look after yourself, Z-chan." He said; his face right above mine. My body involuntarily shuddered. His face went blank and he started to walk.

"I'm just cold." I lied.

"Of course you are, you've been outside for three hours in the pouring rain in nothing but a midriff top, some three quarter lengths and fishnet sleeves." He said, quickly but smoothly jumping to a tree.

"Actually it was more to do with the fact that that man knew water jutzu." I wasn't exactly lying there.

"I see."

"Maybe I should train more before going on missions."

"Maybe."

The silence was unbelievably awkward. I felt air rush past my ears. We would be back at the base soon.

"I can feel my legs now, can I stand?"

"No. You're hurt."

I kept my mouth shut.

This is how my life has been. Training, more training, Kabuto-kun shielding me like a defenceless child. But it doesn't bother me. During the times I rest, while I'm healing up before my next bout of training, I have time to write, time to think, and share my fun times with the world.

Keep reading, it can only get funnier from here.


	28. Halloween Special!

**Yes, I LIVE!**

**I've decided to do a Halloween special, which may be accompanied by some artwork if I can be arsed. (And for future reference, I [Sand] will only feature in seasonal specials; not all the time)**

"!" Hidan shrieked.

"You have to. We're all doing it. Suck it up Hidan." Kakuzu said, pulling Hidan behind him.

"I don't even LIKE candy!"

The entire Akatsuki froze.

"Don't Like candy!" said Tobi, who had drawn glasses and a red lightning bolt on his mask. "How can you say that Hidan? It doesn't matter, you're coming anyway! Stupefy!" he pointed a stick at Hidan. Hidan gave him the finger.

"We're all doing it Hidan." said Pein, dressed as a large cat.

"You're just happy because Konan is dressed as a sexy little mouse." Hidan replied. Pein quickly looked about and was relieved that Konan was engaged in a conversation with Kisame.

"Look, it was Tobi's turn to decide how we would spend Halloween, and Konan's ass has never looked finer, so deal with it!" Hidan grumbled.

"Just put on your Goddamn costume, hm" Deidara said from behind Tobi. Deidara's normally long, blonde hair was now shorter and combed back tight against his head. He wore black robes, similar to Tobi's. The only difference between the two was Tobi's had a red lining, whilst Deidara's was green.

"Who the F*ck are you?" Hidan asked, brushing himself off.

"Draco Malfoy...Tobi said we should match." Hidan rolled his eyes and left.

Moments later a large pumpkin returned.

"Just promise me we won't visit Sand today."

Silence followed.

"Well F*ck!"

It was quite a sight. Walking down the road towards us was a Large pumpkin, Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, A cat, a mouse, the genie from Aladdin, Aladdin, a large potter plant, a zombie and a ginger Dracula.

"Well, this is odd." Sand said, leaning up against her door frame. "Nice costume Hidan."

The pumpkin growled several swears as he pushed past her. Tobi, pulling Deidara with him as he went, skipped into the house. Pein and Konan followed.

"Thanks for inviting us Sand." Konan said.

Sand smiled, then turned to Kisame and Itachi.

"The genie from Aladdin? Really Kisame?"

"When your skin is blue your choices are limited." He said profoundly, making his way into the house. Itachi followed, clearly disliking his purple fez. Sand shifted to make way for Zetsu's pot. Kakuzu followed.

"Didn't try too hard on your costume then Kakuzu?" she laughed. Kakuzu shot her a glare.

"Nice fangs Sasori." She said, walking into the living room with him. "Oh Goddammit Hidan! Get AWAY from the cutlery drawer!" she rushed into the kitchen.

Weeks later...

Hidan stumbled into the living room of the Akatsuki base.

"Morning all." He said, a drunken smile on his face.

"It's 2:30 in the afternoon and you've been missing for 3 weeks. Where have you been?" Kakuzu said, putting his arm back into place.

"Halloween party..." Hidan said, slightly confused.

"That was 3 WEEKS AGO!"

Hidan's eyes widened. He suddenly placed his hand over his crotch.

"Oh shit."


	29. Story 20: Conversation Starter

**Here's a normal one. I think it's a request...yes it is. For ****Ishida Kazakuma.**

"I'm telling you Itachi, Dove shampoo. Seriously, feel my hair!"

Itachi stroked Deidara's ponytail

"My god you're right! Maybe I should..."

The two men fell silent. A loud yell had just come from the room they were outside.

"Kakuzu!" Hidan's voice came from inside the room. "You've got to go harder than that!"

"Sorry, I'm doing the best I can!"

Deidara and Itachi looked at each other wide eyed, the rushed to press their ears against the door.

"Owowow! That's too hard!"

"I'm sorry I can't be exactly how you want Hidan. Some people aren't as picky!"

"Stop talking! It's too awkward!"

"Wouldn't be awkward if you were just satisfied..."

Deidara and Itachi looked at each other.

_Are they?_

_I don't know..._

_It would explain a lot._

"If you rip something back there I'll never forgive you."

"Trust me Hidan; you'll have to return the favour before I do this again."

"That's IT!" Itachi burst into the room.

Lying face down on a table in the middle of the room was Hidan. Kakuzu was bent over him, looking up at Itachi. Deidara peeked in from the doorway.

"Itachi...what in the world are you doing?" Kakuzu said.

"I...I...I..."

"Kakuzu stop stressing about f*cking Itachi! Sew my goddamn legs back on!"


	30. Story 21: Movies

It was late at the Akatsuki Headquarters. Everyone had gone to sleep and only Deidara was left.

He slowly reached for the box of tissues, his hand shaking.

"Deidara-sama? What are you doing?"

"Tobi!" Deidara spun round in his chair, his arm stretched out. Tobi looked at the scene before him.

"Are you watching Harry Potter?" Tobi asked, gesturing to the wand Deidara had in one hand.

"Leave me Tobi! Dumbledore just fell to his death for god's sake! That bastard Snape killed him!"

"Deidara-sama, haven't you read the books? Snape is"

Deidara held his wand up to Tobi's face.

"You say a word and I will KILL YOU!" Tobi slowly backed from the room.

**First story written by my brand new Tablet! WOO!**


End file.
